The Heart of Conflict

You might go your whole life and never get into a car accident, or never get a parking ticket, or never set your house on fire, or maybe even never get a cavity. But no matter how careful or skillful or diligent you are, you will not be able to avoid relational conflict.

Every single one of us knows what it’s like to be in a conflict. Some of you like it. Some of you hate it. Some of you might be indifferent. Either way, like we’ve been saying before, you are called by God to respond in every relationship in a way that glorifies and represents Him.

To assist us in that, today I want to help you understand conflicts a little more. In order to better address a problem, a mechanic should understand how a car works, and a doctor should understand how the body works. Well, a relational conflict, is a spiritual problem, and as ambassadors of Jesus Christ, we should have a growing understanding of how the human spirit functions. Once we have a better understanding of how conflict works, then we can start talking about how to address is. So, we understand, and then we address.

This morning, our focus is going to be on understanding conflict. Next week, we’ll start talking about how to address it. But I want you to know that the stuff we’re going to talk about isn’t intended to just be theoretical. It needs to be a truth and a skill we apply in everyday life. So, I’d like you to take notes this morning. Some of you do that already, but if not, make an exception today. This is such an important topic for all of us.

Sometimes, when you’re studying topic in school, you get a case study to look at. A case study is one specific instance or situation that helps you think about how your area of study gets applied in real life.

For this morning we’re going to be doing a case study for conflict resolution, and each of you is going to provide your own case. Like I said, we all face conflict, in one way or another. So, we should all be able to think of an example.

I’d like you to start thinking of a conflict right now that you were involved in. It might be an argument you had this morning. It might be some conflict that has been ongoing. It might be a conflict that the other person doesn’t know about. It can even be an argument you had with someone 5 years ago. It doesn’t matter too much. You pick. It could have been an explosive screaming match, or maybe it was all over email. Just make sure you have a specific conflict in mind, that you were a part of.

Now, just to be clear, not every disagreement is a conflict. Disagreements happen all the time. But for a conflict, we’re talking about a time when there were opposing sides that produced some sort of tension. That’s a conflict. You’ve got opposing sides, and you’ve got tension.

Okay? Have you got a conflict in mind? Now, what we’re going to do is try to dissect that conflict a little bit. I greatly benefitted from a Conflict Resolution class I took in seminary with Dr. Ernie Baker, and I want to make sure I give him credit for what I learned since today’s teaching is going to be an adaptation of things I learned in that class.

As we think about a conflict, I’d like to suggest this morning that there are four different levels of explanation for every conflict, and each level goes a little deeper. This morning, I’m going to talk about each of those levels a little bit, and then, on your notes, I want you to write some things down as we apply it to the conflict you are thinking about.

Let’s start at the top. This is Level 1, the most visible element of a problem. Level 1, we are going to call, “The Immediate Problem.” The immediate problem.

This is the basic, simple answer to the question: What were you fighting about? What’s the problem? What are you arguing about?

If you’ve got your notes page open, write down the simple, most direct answer to that question. What is the immediate problem that led to the argument? Maybe it’s an argument over money. Maybe it’s over being on time to church. Maybe it’s over your curfew or your grades, or some kind of deadline.

I have been told that the top 4 areas for arguments and complaints in a marriage are money, sex, the children, and your in-laws. Maybe your argument was over one of those. Whatever it was, write it down. What were you arguing about? What is or was bothering you? What’s the situation?

Now, let’s say that a husband and his wife are arguing over money. They over-drafted their account, and each of them is accusing the other of spending too much. If we only look at a problem at this superficial level, then we will only look for a solution at the same level. In this case, the false assumption would be that if they had more money, these kinds of arguments wouldn’t happen anymore.

But I imagine most of you recognize that that’s not how it works. We need to go a little deeper. Yes, they are fighting because of money, but a lack of money is the main contributor to this problem.

And that brings us to level 2. We go from the immediate problem to, now, “The Relationship Skills.” The relationship skills.

A couple week’s ago, I compared relationships to driving, and I said that if you have good habits and good skills, you greatly reduce the likelihood of emergencies on the road.

For the past couple weeks, we have been talking about one major relationship skill, which is communication. If there’s a breakdown in communication, you could have arguments more frequently.

For example, in the case of our imaginary husband and wife, maybe they weren’t communicating with each other about how much they were spending, and that’s what caused them to overdraft the account. Communication is a major relationship skill.

Another example of a relationship skill is having clearly identified objectives and roles. A lot of times, when the objective or the roles aren’t defined well enough, you will get into a conflict more easily.

For the Christian life, God has given us the primary objectives. We saw some of that when we were studying First Peter. We are here for God’s glory. We are here to praise Him and to proclaim His excellencies. Jesus said we are here to seek first His kingdom and His righteousness. And Jesus gave to the Apostles the mission of the church, to go into the world teaching people to observe all that Christ has commanded. That’s what we’re called to do as the church.

And then, in accomplishing the task we’ve been given, God also gave us some guidelines for our job descriptions. He laid the groundwork for some of the roles.

Passages like Ephesians 4, 1 Timothy 3, Titus 1, and 1 Peter 5 help us understand what the role is of the pastors and elders. Passages like Romans 12 and 1 Corinthians 12 helps us understand the role of church members as part of the body.

And then we also have passages like the ones in Ephesians and Colossians and First Peter which give us instructions for slaves and for masters. We also have instructions for children and for parents and for husbands and wives. Those instructions aren’t exhaustive, but they do give us a good basic framework. In a healthy marriage or workplace or church, roles will be more clearly defined and understood, and people will be doing their part.

In marriage, some things are going to be the wife’s job. Some things will be the husband’s job. Other things might not be assigned at all, but they need to be taken care of somehow. Every marriage and workplace is different, but the point is people understand and are fulfilling their roles and objectives.

In Philippians 4, Paul mentions two women who were having some kind of argument. They weren’t getting along, and somehow Paul found out and decided he would address it directly in his letter to the church. He calls them out in front of the everybody.

In Philippians 4:2-3, Paul writes: I entreat Euodia and I entreat Syntyche to agree in the Lord. Yes, I ask you also, true companion, help these women, who have labored side by side with me in the gospel together with Clement and the rest of my fellow workers, whose names are in the book of life.

We don’t know what the argument was, but in trying to help bring reconciliation Paul says they are both laborers in the gospel with. It’s as if Paul is saying, “Ladies, I think you’ve lost sight of the objective here. We’re here for the gospel. Don’t let some other issue get in the way.”

I think something similar was happening with Mary and Martha at the end of Luke 10. Do you remember that? Martha got upset because Mary wasn’t helping her in the kitchen. And she wants Jesus to do something about it. And Jesus says, “Martha, Martha, you are anxious and troubled about many things, but one thing is necessary. Mary has chosen the good portion, which will not be taken away from her.”

In other words, Jesus is saying, “Martha, you’ve lost sight of what’s important here. Food is great, and it’s wonderful to serve, but you’ve got your priorities mixed around right now.”

In the case of our marriage example, let’s think about how a misunderstanding of the objective or the roles might have contributed to the argument. Maybe the husband thought it was his wife’s job to keep track of the money. If the funds were lower than expected, he expected his wife to tell him. So, in his mind, she wasn’t doing her job. But maybe the wife didn’t know that was her job. They never talked about it. Do you see how conflict can begin because someone doesn’t know what their job is, or someone isn’t doing their job?

For a good relationship, you should have good communication, and you should have a good understanding of the objectives and roles.

A third example of a relationship skill is spending time together. Spending time together. In the secular world, they call it “Team Building.”

When I was in high school and played on a sports team, our coach used to tell the team to eat lunch together. Why? He wanted us to spend time together so that it would strengthen our teamwork on the field.

In a church context, people usually call it fellowship. We find time outside of formal church to hang out with others. We go to lunch. We pray together in between or after the Sunday services. We show up early to our home group and chat. We stay late. We go to someone’s soccer game or baseball game.

As the church, we already have fellowship in Christ. We are united in Him. But we express and enhance that unity by spending time together, either in a worship setting, or in an informal setting.

In the early church, Acts 2 tells us, the people had devoted themselves to fellowship and to the breaking of bread. It says they attended the temple and ate in one another’s homes day by day. What a powerful way to strengthen their connections.

Now, if you apply that skill in marriage, the skill of spending time together, that would include coming to church together and praying together or ministering together. It also includes the non-church things like going on a fun date or having some romantic time together.

Going back to the example of our couple and their money problems, one of the possible factors to the argument is that the husband and wife don’t feel close to one another. When a husband and a wife feel more connected, there’s a lot more grace they give one another. There’s more harmony. But when they feel detached, it’s easy to start attacking one another.

So, if they haven’t been spending enough time together to connect emotionally and physically and spiritually, that can contribute to an argument as well. They might feel neglected or distant.

To use another example, if you have a close friend or coworker, someone you’ve spent a lot of time with outside of work, any disagreements there are usually easier to navigate. But if you’ve got an issue with someone whom you don’t know that well, it’s going to be more difficult to address or prevent a conflict.

Let me quickly share one final example of a relationship skill and then we’ll move on to level 3 of a conflict.

For relationship skills, we said there is communication, there is having clear objectives and roles you everyone understand and accepts, there is spending time together, and lastly there is appreciating and serving one another. Appreciating and serving one another.

Even if everyone knows their job and does it, that doesn’t mean there isn’t more than can be done to strengthen a relationship. Romans 12:10 says we should “outdo one another in showing honor.”

Philippians 2 talks about serving one another in humility.

So, even if it’s my son’s job to take out the trash every week, that doesn’t mean I can’t take out the trash sometimes as a way of serving him.

In our own house, one of the things we say to the kids is, “Whoever made the mess needs to clean it up.” I want them to understand that principle. But once they understand that principle it should help them understand the value and the work their mom does every day to clean up after them.

A statement like that also lays the groundwork for the gospel. We made a mess of our lives by our sin. We are responsible to fix it or to pay the price for it. But the message of Jesus Christ is that, in love and grace, He has done what we could not. He came not to be served but to serve.

And that’s the heart we are expressing when we stoop to serve others, even when it’s not our job. Appreciating people and serving them strengthens relationships. It’s an important skill to develop.

Before we move on to level 3 of a conflict, I want you think about the skills I just mentioned in relation to the conflict you originally chose. Which of these skills were weak or lacking in a way that contributed to the argument? Did poor communication contribute to the problem? Was there a misunderstanding or a disagreement about objectives and roles? Was the relationship weak at that time because you weren’t spending a lot of time together? Or was there a lack of appreciation, honor, and service that contributed to the conflict?

You don’t need to be detailed, but at least, maybe put a checkmark next to one or two skills that were lacking and contributed to the conflict.

Again, with each level, we’re getting a little deeper into the conflict. In the case of our imaginary couple, we could say they are fighting over money. But at a deeper level, we could also say they are fighting because they aren’t good at communication, or because their personal connection is weak since they don’t spend enough time together.

Okay, now let’s move on to level 3. And this is deeper than level 2, but we are not going to spend as much time talking about it because it’s so familiar to us. Level 3 in a conflict is “The Character Traits.” The character traits.

Even if a problem could have easily been solved at level 1, and even if the skills of level 2 are doing good, if someone has poor character traits, there can still be an argument.

A good list of character traits would be the fruit of the Spirit, which are listed in Galatians 5: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.

Unkind people get into conflict more easily. Impatient people get into conflict more easily. Grumpy people, people lacking in joy, get into a conflict more easily. People lacking in self-control, get into a conflict more easily, right?

We saw some applications of these principles when we studied communication from the Proverbs or from the New Testament. Besides having good relationship skills, you need to develop, you need to mature, in the character traits described in the Bible. You need patience. You need grace. You need to learn compassion and humility.

Sometimes, when we think about sin or about conflict, we think about what someone did. They committed a sin. They did something wrong. Theologically, some people call that a sin of commission. But there’s another category of sin, and that’s called a sin of omission. You can sin by doing something wrong, and you can sin by not doing something right.

James 4:17 says: whoever knows the right thing to do and fails to do it, for him it is sin.

So, when you think about a conflict, don’t just think about what you or someone else DID; think about what you or they DIDN’T do. Which character traits were lacking, either leading up to the conflict, or throughout it? Was there a lack of patience? A lack of compassion? A lack of trust, failing to believe the best? Was there a lack of tenderness? Was it impatience?

The temptation here is just to think about the other person, but Jesus said to take the log out of your own eye before you address the speck in the other person’s eye. What character traits were lacking that could have prevented the conflict in the first place or settled it in a much better way?

Listen to Colossians 3:12-15. This might be familiar to a lot of you—Put on then, as God's chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony. And let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in one body. And be thankful.

The character traits listed in those verses lead to peace and harmony and practical unity. You want compassion, kindness, humility, meekness, patience, forbearance or tolerance, forgiveness, love, peace, and thankfulness.

So, at a deeper level, argument aren’t really just about money or the kids; conflict comes about because there is a lack of patience, a lack of kindness, a lack of love and joy and assuming the best about somebody else. And we should search our hearts and seek to grow in these character traits.

There is, however, still one deeper level for a conflict—something deeper even than learning to be patient or kind. This is our final level for today, level 4. Level 1 was the immediate problem. Level 2 was the relationship skills. Level 3 was the character traits. Level 4, I am going to call “The Heart’s Desire.” The heart’s desire.

This is where the conflict is really coming from. Every other level is important to understand, and we should make changes at those levels, but this is the core of the issue. Behind the immediate problem, behind your relational skills and your character traits, at the core of who you are, there is your heart. Not the physical organ pumping blood to the rest of you, but the invisible core of who you are. The Bible calls that your heart. That’s the word used in both the Old and New Testaments.

About 5 years ago, we elders read a book together called The Dynamic Heart in Daily Life by Jeremy Pierre. That book unpacks a biblical theology f the heart including how to understand it and how to change it. Total, it’s about 250 pages if you’re interested.

As a summary of all that our heart does, the author says our heart is responsible for 3 things. First, it controls beliefs which then shape the way we understand things. Second, the heart is responsible for desires which then control our emotions, or our feelings. And lastly, your heart has commitments, and those affect your choices. So, your beliefs and understanding, your desires and emotions, and your commitments and choices all come from your heart, biblically speaking. There’s a cognitive element there, an emotional element, and an element of decision-making. That’s all from your heart.

I could list many, many Bible verses that teach this, but that would take too long. That’s for another time. As you read your Bible, however, look for that word “heart” and notice what it’s responsible for. Your heart is the control center of your life. It’s the real you.

In terms of a conflict, we could say that the real problem in any conflict is you and the other person—not your existence, but your sinful hearts, the sinful desires of your hearts.

Turn with me to James chapter 4. Since we’ve been moving so fast, I haven’t been asking you to turn to the passages we’ve been using, but for this passage, I want you to see it. James chapter 4. James is addressing a group of people who were self-righteous. They claimed to be wise, but their foolishness was on display because they continue to get into arguments with one another. And, here’s what James says to them, under the guidance of the Holy Spirit.

James 4:1-2—What causes quarrels and what causes fights among you? Is it not this, that your passions are at war within you? You desire and do not have, so you murder. You covet and cannot obtain, so you fight and quarrel. You do not have, because you do not ask.

The quarrels come from our passions, our desires. There is something that we want that we’re not getting. And that desire come from our heart.

Well, what’s the desire? That’s the million-dollar question. It’s not always easy to find out. It’s not as simple as we might think. Keep your place there in your Bible because we’ll come back to it.

What you need to understand is that emotions are an expression of desires. When we get something we want, or when we don’t get something we don’t want, we have positive emotions: joy, peace, happiness, relief. When something we want is denied or delayed, or if we get something we don’t want, we get negative emotions: sadness, anger, bitterness, despair.

So, anytime we feel our emotions flare up, we need to learn how to step back and evaluate: What is the desire here that’s producing this emotion?

But again, that’s not always going to be an easy and simple answer, because, as the prophet Jeremiah says: The heart is deceitful above all things... who can understand it?

Proverbs 20:5 says this—The purpose in a man's heart is like deep water, but a man of understanding will draw it out.

Trying to understand someone’s heart is not easy. It takes skill. It takes wisdom. The same is true with trying to understand our own heart. Our sinful heart is sneaky. It likes to hide. It likes to cover. It does not come to the light. But it’s always working.

Your heart, you need to understand, is not passive. It’s active. It’s always working. It’s thinking. It’s planning. It’s interpreting, and it’s making decisions.

So, going back to this example of a husband and his wife arguing about money, if the husband can be honest about what he was thinking and feeling, here’s one possibility about what might have happened, and this is an example from Pierre’s book.

His wife came up to him and said, “Honey, the checking account is really low. What happened?” She asked a question.

Now, let’s say that in this case, the man has already been thinking that his wife doesn’t trust him. He thinks she’s a critical person that’s trying to catch him doing something dumb. So, rather than hear a simple question, what he really hears is an accusation. His heart makes an immediate judgment, whether or not that was the intention.

And in that moment, this man has some desires. He wants something. He wants a strong marriage. He wants a healthy marriage. He wants to be a successful provider for his wife, but his boss has refused to give him a promotion. He also wants his wife not to accuse him. He wants her to respect him. He doesn’t want her to question him or doubt him.

Those underlying desires cause an immediate reaction. He gets defensive: What are you implying? He starts accusing her: You always do this to me! He lays a guilt trip on her. Essentially, he’s throwing a tantrum. He might even pound the table in rage.

We’ve really simplified what’s happening, but do you see how his underlying desires produced an immediate result and turned a simple question into a conflict? Behind every emotion, positive or negative, and behind every conflict is a desire. At it’s core, this problem isn’t about money or poor communication. It’s a problem rooted in the heart’s desire.

Now, here’s the important part about all this. Pay attention here. Not every desire is inherently sinful, but it is sinful anytime our desires are not prioritized or defined biblically. It’s a sin anytime our desires are not prioritized rightly or defined biblically.

So, for example. Is it a sin for a husband or a wife to desire a romantic night with their spouse? No. Is it a sin for a parent to want their child to obey and respect them? No, not inherently.

But when that desire is blocked, and we respond emotionally, either by withdrawing from the other person, or attacking them in anger, we are showing that that desire has moved out of its rightful place.

If my wife disrespects me, and I respond by shouting at her, or being harsh with her, or intimidating her, what am I proving? I’m making it known that my desire for her to respect me is greater than my desire to honor God. My desire to be respected is greater than my desire to love her the way Christ loves the church.

I might have all the right theology in place. I might still say I love her, but my sinful, deceitful heart has shifted my priorities. It has led me to put myself first, rather than God. And I have elevated myself above others. So, I’m not loving God and I’m not loving my neighbor.

My greatest problem then, is not my wife; it’s not my kids; it’s my heart. It is those hidden, deep, buried, sinful or misaligned desires.

This world wants us to believe that our hearts are inherently good. Disney told us as kids that we need to learn to follow our hearts. And if we ever do something bad, it’s because something bad happened to us. Inside we are good, but externally, we can be corrupted. That’s the worlds message.

But that not what the Bible says. The Bible tells us we are corrupted at the very core. From the moment we come into existence in our mother’s womb, we are stained with sin, bent toward self rather than toward God and others. We are, the Bible says, idolaters. We’re idolaters.

Your mom or your dad doesn’t make you mad. Your husband or your wife doesn’t make you mad. Your kid or your boss doesn’t make you mad. What makes you mad is your sinful heart. The external problem is just drawing out what’s already there. Jesus said it like this: What comes out of your mouth, comes from your heart. That’s what defiles you. From within, out of the heart of man, come evil thoughts and wickedness.

Your desire to be respected, when it’s not in its proper place, is an idol. Your desire to have a happy family, without any financial hardships, your desire to enjoy a nice meal at a certain time of day, your desire to be healthy, your desire to arrive on time—any of those desires, even if they are righteous in themselves, any of those desires out of its proper place, is an idol.

Paul Tripp, in Instruments in the Redeemer’s Hands, says this: “An idol of the heart is anything that rules me other than God. As worshiping beings, human beings always worship someone or something. This is not a situation where some people worship and some people don’t. If God isn’t ruling my heart, someone or something will. It is the way we were made.”

Speaking of this idolatry’s ability to hide in our hearts, even while we maintain a Christian appearance, Tripp says, “This is the silent cancer that weakens the church, robs individuals of their spiritual vitality, and leads to all kinds of difficulties in relationships and situations. At its core, sin is moral thievery. It steals the worship that rightly belongs to God and gives it to someone else. It robs the Trinity to purchase the creation. Every sinner is in some way a worship thief. At its center, sin is also spiritual adultery. It takes the love that belongs to God alone and gives it to someone or something else.  It is a life shaped by satisfaction of cravings, rather than by heartfelt commitment and faithfulness. Every sinner is in some way a spiritual adulterer.”

He's taking that idea right out of James chapter 4. Look at it again. Look at James 4:4. Speaking to those people who are getting into arguments and conflicts because of their sinful and misaligned desires, here’s what James says—You adulterous people! Do you not know that friendship with the world is enmity with God? Therefore whoever wishes to be a friend of the world makes himself an enemy of God.

When you and I place any desire in this world above our desire to honor and love and obey God, that makes us spiritual adulterers. We are being unfaithful to the God who made us and own us and loves us and calls us to Himself.

Once we understand this principle, we can understand why it was that when a man came to Jesus upset that his older brother was withholding a portion of the inheritance, Jesus answered like this: Take care, and be on your guard against all covetousness, for one's life does not consist in the abundance of his possessions.

He wasn’t saying the brother was justified in withholding the inheritance. He wasn’t saying the other brother was right. But he wanted to expose the idol in that man’s heart. That man came to Jesus saying, “My brother is so greedy! He won’t share the inheritance with me!” But the fact that he was angry or upset showed that there was some kind of greed in his heart as well. And Jesus wanted to expose it.

It’s like the kid who whines, “He wants to do things his way instead of my way. That’s selfish. Make him do it the way I want.” It a lack of self-awareness, and it’s so dangerous to our lives.

Our job is not to go around the thoughts and motives of others. But in any conflict, we should start by trying to think about our own desires. What did I want? What was I pursuing more than the glory of God and the love of Christ?

We say it so often, but we forget so easily: our sinful, rebellious, disobedient heart deserves eternal judgment. Sin is rebellion against a holy God. But God has been so gracious and loving that He sent His Son, Jesus Christ to die in our place and free us from sin’s eternal penalty, and to give us the power to fight sin guarantee an eternal freedom from it.

Just like Jesus was raised from the dead, His Spirit gives to all who trust in Him the power to fight sin, and the promise that we will rise again in glory one day.

Conflict is never easy. It’s tough, and it hurts. But it exposes our ugly hearts, and God uses it to call us to confession and repentance and trust in Jesus Christ.

We’re going to talk more next week about how we can address conflict in a God-honoring way, but the underlying response behind all of that is confession and repentance. If you’ve never trusted in Jesus Christ, today, you can admit your guilt to God and ask Him to forgive you and cleanse you, and He will do it. Trust in Him. Surrender your life to Him.

And for those of us who have already done that, we can still do it. Every day, we are called to repent. To take up our cross and follow in the footsteps of Jesus Christ. He forgives. He cleanses. He picks us up. He accepts is in all our weaknesses and failures, and He gives us the grace to continue in our walk with Him and to be used by Him for His eternal and glorious purposes.