Responding to Conflict, Part 1

The opening portion of Jesus’ Sermon on the Mount is a portion we call the Beatitudes. The word “beatitude” means blessing. Our record of Jesus’ message begins with a series of blessings. Matthew 5:9 says: Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called sons of God.

God cares about making peace. Later in Matthew 5, in the same sermon,  Jesus is talking about relationships, and He says this in verse 23: So if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there before the altar and go. First be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift.

I mentioned that verse already in this series to highlight the point that Jesus cares about personal relationships. Whenever there’s a conflict or a tension or a frustration in a relationship, that is evidence of our sinful hearts. There is sin in you, and there is sin in the other person.

But our God values reconciliation. That’s why He walked into the garden and called out to Adam, “Where are you?” God’s desire for reconciliation is the reason He sent His Son Jesus Christ.

Conflict exposes sin, but it also provides an opportunity for God’s heart to be on display. The gospel of Jesus Christ, the fact that He died for sinners, is what brings forgiveness. And that heavenly and spiritual reality between you and God is supposed to be showcased in our earthly relationships.

One author put it like this: we take vertical truths between us and God, and we bend them horizontally in our relationships with others. The gospel of Jesus Christ is the basis of our reconciliation with God, and it continues to work as the basis of our reconciliation with others.

Last week, we talked about the heart of conflict. We wanted a biblical perspective of what’s going on. Today, we are going to continue by talking about the steps you and I should take to resolve that conflict. Jesus says, “Go and be reconciled,” but how do you do that? What does that look like?

Before we start going through this stuff, I want to give you some resources that you might find helpful, especially if this kind of topic interests you. Like I said, I’m grateful for my professor Dr. Ernie Baker whose work I’ve adapted, but there are a growing number of resources that also talk about issues like this.

One resource is the little booklets that are made by the Christian Counseling & Educational Foundation (CCEF). There are also booklets produced by New Growth Press. We have booklets like that, and I just ordered more for this year, and they are free to you on our book cart, as long as you’re planning to use them. If you find an issue that addresses you or a friend, I say get together with someone Lord and read it through. Talk about it.

If there are any specific topics you want to see there on the book cart, just let me know, and I can order those.

Another author who deals with these kinds of issues is Paul David Tripp, and one of his books is Instruments in the Redeemer’s Hands. The subtitle is People in Need of Change Helping People in Need of Change.

Paul Tripp also has books on parenting and another one specifically on parenting teens. He also has a book on marriage called What Did You Expect?: Redeeming the Realities of Marriage. Again that’s author Paul David Trip.

A second author I’d recommend to you is Ken Sande who used to work with Peacemaker Ministries (peacemakerministries.org). And now he’s started another website on Relational Wisdom which is rw360.org. Relational wisdom, Sande says, is how we get upstream from conflict. It’s about getting better at the relationship skills of evaluating and interacting with God and others and ourselves.

Sande’s primary book is called The Peace Maker: A Biblical Guide to Resolving Personal Conflict. It’s a great book. Total it’s about 300 pages. If you want a smaller book, you can also look for a book Sande cowrote with Kevin Johnson called Resolving Everyday Conflict. That little book is only about 100 pages.

For a book more specifically focused on church leaders, there is also one by Alfred Poirier called The Peace Making Pastor: A Biblical Guide to Resolving church Conflict. Please come talk to me afterward if you want more information. I’d be glad to help.

For now, lets’ jump into our teaching today, and like I said, this series is functioning more like a seminar than a typical sermon, but I trust it’s been helpful to all of us.

What do we do once we’re in a conflict? Well, there all kinds of ways to answer that question, but what I’ve decided to do is describe a proper response as 4 phases. Phase 1 is contemplation. Phase 2 is confession. Phase 3 is evaluation. And then phase 4 is Connection. Contemplation, confession, evaluation, and connection.

We’re only going to cover phases 1 and 2 today, and then, Lord willing, we will cover phases 3 and 4 next time.

Let’s start with phase 1: Contemplation. This is so important. If you and I are going to respond appropriately in a conflict, we need to pause and take some time for contemplation. This is how we prepare before we act.

In a larger, more complicated argument, contemplation will take more time. In a smaller conflict, contemplation might be more straightforward, but you do not want to skip this step.

A helpful guide for contemplation, or meditation, is to think of four directions. And these might sound familiar to you because we used them in our Family Life Groups some time ago. For contemplation, we look up. We look down. We look in, and we look out. Look up, look down, look in, look out. That’s part of contemplation. What do we mean by that?

“Look up” means we need to stop and, first, recognize God. Our God is sovereign. Our God is holy. Our God is purposeful.

We need to recognize that God is not detached from what is happening. He is over and in and with you in this conflict. At the end of the Great Commission, what did Jesus say? “I am with you always, to the end of the age.”

So, looking up means recognizing God is with you.

It also means recognizing that God is the focus of this conflict. This argument isn’t ultimately about you and the other person; it’s about God. The Apostle Paul said, “Whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do it all to the glory of God.” That’s 1 Corinthians 10:31.

Romans 11:36 tells us that all things are from Him and through Him and to Him.

Does that sound familiar? I hope so. That was one of the verses we were reciting as a congregation last year. Everything exists for God. Everything we do is supposed to be done to the glory of God, and that includes responding to a conflict or an argument.

Typically, when you and I are in an argument with someone, the our main thoughts are things like this: How do I win this argument? How do I get the other person to give me what I want? Or, you might be thinking: How do I get out of here? How do I end this? Those are some of our goals, even if we don’t say them out loud.

But the questions we should be asking are: How can I glorify God in this situation? How can I approach this conflict as an act of worship? God, how would You have me respond here? How can I demonstrate the heart and the character of Jesus Christ? That’s what I mean by looking up whenever there’s a conflict.

Instead of just praying, “God, help my wife realize how wrong she is!” we should start by saying, “God, this is so difficult. But I know You are with me. Help me approach this situation with a heart of worship. Help me trust in You and be obedient to You.” Looking up changes how we move forward. It reorients our main objectives.

Ephesians 2:10 says we are [God’s] workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them. 

Well, part of those good works that God has laid out for us already is responding to conflicts. A conflict, as aggravating as it might be, is also an opportunity. We have a chance to glorify God in a special way. God is going to use me right here.

If Jesus said, “Blessed are the peacemakers,” then I should be eager to help make peace if I want that blessing. But making peace means I need to step into a conflict.

Listen to what the Apostle Paul said in First Corinthians 16:8. This is near the end of that letter. He said: I will stay in Ephesus until Pentecost, for a wide door for effective work has opened to me, and there are many adversaries.

Most of us would have said: “I’ve got too many problems here, guys, I’m going somewhere else.” But that wasn’t Paul’s mentality. Ministry opportunity and relational conflict are not at odds. Many times, they work together. Like Paul, we need to say, “This is an opportunity to be used by God.”

So, conflict provides us with an opportunity to be used and blessed by God. It also provides us with an opportunity to serve others and to grow to be like Christ.

Conflict is part of how God works on our own hearts. When my wife points out an area in my life where I can grow, that feels unpleasant, but God uses that for my good, right?

Wouldn’t it be hypocritical of me to correct the errors in my children’s lives or my wife’s life, and then refuse to listen to anyone else who wanted to talk to me about problems in my own life? That’s hypocrisy. That’s arrogance. That’s judgmentalism, believing I don’t have areas in my life that need work. That’s what leads to being so defensive all the time or acting like a victim.

James 1 says we should count it all joy when we encounter trials. And those trials include conflict. We count it a joy because it’s sharpening our character. This fire is purifying the gold of my faith. That’s what God is doing through conflict.

So, don’t run away. Don’t view conflicts as potholes you need to avoid. Conflicts are like a carwash scrubbing off that dirt and that grime in your life so that you can shine better for Christ’s glory. When conflict strikes, you need to start by looking up to God.

The second direction of contemplation is look down. And what I mean by that is that we need to look down at God’s word. We don’t want to say we’re honoring God, and then invent our own way of doing that.

Coming humbly before God means we will accept His will for our life, and we recognize that His will for us has been revealed in Scripture. God has already spoken to us. This is His word for us. And this is what His Spirit will use to guide us in wisdom.

Psalm 119:105, a very famous psalm—Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light to my path. That’s true whether you’re scared or caught in a sin. And it’s true when you get into a conflict.

Don’t just move forward however you want, and then find some obscure Bible verse to justify it. Start with a humble heart recognizing God’s presence and God’s glory, and then go in submission to His word. Let this guide you and lead you.

So, you look up, look down, and now, thirdly, you look in. Look in. This is the part of contemplation where you need to look at your own life. As sinners, this is so unnatural to us, but this is what God’s word says to do first before we start focusing on others.

Matthew chapter 7, again part of the Sermon on the Mount, Jesus asks: Why do you see the speck that is in your brother's eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when there is the log in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother's eye.

Jesus doesn’t say we should ignore the sins of others. But he says that before we take the speck out of someone else’s eye, we need to address the log in our own eye. And He used a speck and a log on purpose to emphasize that we need to be more concerned with our own sin than with the sins of others. It’s easy for me to get upset over what someone else did. But it’s much more difficult to feel that way about my own sin. I need to see my sin as the log and their sin as the speck.

In Galatians 6:1, Paul talks about seeing someone trapped in a sin. It tells us to restore them in gentleness. But it also says this: Keep watch on yourself, lest you too be tempted. Later in verse 4, it says “Let each one test his own work.”

That’s the same sentiment as what Jesus said. Don’t just focus on the other person. Think about your self.

Using what we talked about last week, think about the skills you were personally lacking in. Were you contributing to the health and strength of that relationship before the conflict happened? Was your communication clear? Was it pure? Or were you calling people names and making exaggerated accusations like “You never let me do that!” Were you talking behind people’s backs as a gossip or a slanderer?

Also, think about which character traits were on display. Think about the ways you failed to demonstrate the fruit of the Spirit. Before, during, and after the argument, were you patient? Were you kind? Were you demonstrating joy?

Looking in means we need to ask ourselves: What have I done to contribute to this conflict? Or what have I NOT done that would have helped this conflict.

Think about those deeper desires that took over in that moment. Maybe your desire to control the situation is what led you to scream at someone. Maybe it was your desire for comfort or pleasure. Maybe you responded to that email or that message with an angry heart. Maybe you took some blessing of God, and, in your mind, you turned it into a perceived right that you are owed. For example, “I work hard all day, so I deserve a time to rest.” That could be a desire that’s grown outside its rightful place.

In The Peacemaker, in the chapter on addressing your own sin, Sande has a list of diagnostic questions like: How was I punishing others? How was I judging? What was I demanding to have? Where have I really put my trust and my hope? What am I afraid of? And he has more examples.

I hope you get the point though. We are moving through this brief list, but this isn’t a step you rush through. Look in at your own heart and think about how you have contributed to the conflict. I can’t remember where I heard it said, but someone said it like this: Even if you believe you are only 10% responsible for what happened, you need to recognize that, before the Lord, you are 100% responsible for what you’ve done. Look in. Contemplate how you have contributed to what’s happened.

Lastly, we have the fourth direction of contemplation: Look out. You remember God and His word. You evaluate your own sin. And then, finally, you can think about what the other person has contributed.

This is not an opportunity to grow in bitterness and resentment. But, like Jesus said, once we deal with our own log, then we can deal with the other person’s speck.

The point here isn’t to make a laundry list of the other person’s sins. The point is to think more accurately about them. In the moment, their sins feel exaggerated. But when we step back, we can see it in its proper context.

Did they get mad first out of the blue? Or was it really an escalation that happened after you responded in a way that was grumpy, or angry, or defensive, or accusative?

Is this a common pattern you’ve seen in their life? How often does this really happen?

You know, our sin and our pride hate to be stepped on. So, when someone gets in our way, we tend to assume it’s happening more often than it really is. Maybe your wife burns the dinner, or your husband shows up late from work, once every month. That’s 12 times a year. That’s one day out of 30. That’s like 3½%. But our feeling, and what we’re tempted to say, is, “She always does that! He always does that!”

We need to learn compassion. And we need to learn to put ourselves in the place of others.

In First Peter 3:7, husbands are told to live with their wives in an understanding way. That means try to put yourself in her shoes. If you have little kids, she’s the main one cleaning up after them. She’s probably doing a lot more cooking and laundry than you are. And she has to live in submission to you. That’s rough, okay. That’s not easy.

And that skill of compassion and empathy should be applied to other relationships too. We want to learn to place ourselves in other people’s situations.

If there is a serious problem in the other person, then you can address it, and we’ll talk about that later, but don’t make more of something and assume you’re justified in your anger.

First Corinthians 13:7 says: Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Don’t assume the worst for the other person. Slow down and, after you’ve thought about your own contribution to the conflict, then take some time to put yourself in the other person’s position. Think about what they might have contributed.

That’s phase 1: contemplation. That’s the thinking phase. It’s meditation. It’s preparation. Look up, look down, look in, and look out.

Now, we move on to phase 2, which is confession. After contemplation, we have confession.

If you did phase one correctly, you shouldn’t have trouble finding things to confess. You were lacking in some character traits. You had desires in your heart that had becoming controlling desires in that moment. They overshadowed your desire to live for God’s glory. What do you do with that? You confess it to God.

Some people don’t like the word confession. They don’t even like the idea. Sometimes, there’s this idea of “Well, God already knows what I did wrong. Why do I need to keep bringing that up? Let’s just move on already!”

Well, God does want to move on from your sin. He doesn’t intend for us to dwell on it, but the way we move on from sin is not by ignoring it; it’s by confessing it.

In 1 John 1:5-10, John says that a true Christian is someone who has fellowship with God and walks in the light. Walking in the light doesn’t mean we’re perfect, but it means we are continually recognizing our sin. We confess it. That’s why John says: If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.

He's not applying that to salvation. He’s applying that principle to the Christian daily life. Walking in the light means we have a life of confession. The opposite of that is someone who walks in darkness, blames something else for their sin, or claims they haven’t sinned.

Proverbs 30:20 describes and adulteress woman who eats a meal, wipes her mouth, and then says, “I have done no wrong.”

That’s not how we want to be, but that’s how we act a lot of times in a conflict. Have you ever hear that response from a child, “I didn’t do anything!”? We do the same thing many times in a conflict, and it’s not helpful. It doesn’t demonstrate we have appreciated the holiness of God and the depth of our sin.

Listen to the wisdom of Proverbs 28:13—Whoever conceals his transgressions will not prosper, but he who confesses and forsakes them will obtain mercy.

That’s a general truth for life, so it applies even when you get into a conflict. Confession brings the mercy of God. You confess sinful attitudes and sinful words and sinful actions. You confess how easy it was for you to be offended.

One of the classic examples of a confession is Psalm 51, which was the psalm David wrote after his adultery was exposed by the prophet Nathan. He cried out to God in anguish, and in writing it down, God gave us a helpful pattern for repentance. It’s not David, saying, “My bad. Let’s move on.” It’s David recognizing he has sinned against God and the explanation for his sin is his own sinful heart. “I was conceived in iniquity,” David says. “I am sinful to the core.”

Ken Sande has what he calls the “Seven As of a Biblical Confession.” I’m going to share them with you, and then we’ll be done for today. I think this is really helpful. If you want to read more about these principles, I’ll refer you to the books by Ken Sande.

The first A is “Address everyone involved.” Think about everyone who was affected by what you did. You need to confess to God, but you probably have to go confess to someone else too.

Next is Avoid if, but, and maybe. This means don’t make excuses. Don’t water down the confession by saying things like: “I’m sorry if I did something to offend you or upset you. “It wasn’t on purpose.” “It wasn’t personal.” “I know I got angry, but I was really tired and hungry.”

Those kinds of statements erode true confession. That’s not what God is after.

So, we address everyone involved. We avoid if, but, and maybe. The third principle is Admit specifically. Admit specifically.

Don’t just confess generically. Give specific examples of your sinful attitudes and words and actions. You might say something like, “I was wrong to raise my voice at you. I shouldn’t have been talking about you behind your back.”

One good help here is to use biblical words instead of worldly words that hide guilt. So, instead of saying, “I messed up. I’m a failure!” you can say, “I was wrong to lie. I cared more about defending myself than I about upholding the truth. Admit specifically.

Next, we have Acknowledge the hurt. Don’t just say what you did wrong, express your awareness that this hurt the other person. When you lie to someone, it causes them to lose their trust in you. When you tease someone, it embarrasses them. Acknowledge the hurt you have caused the other person.

Number 5 is Accept the consequences. Confessing sin doesn’t mean this all magically goes away. Some things still need to be fixed.

Sometimes, there has to be a payment to fix something. The Bible calls that restitution. If I break your window, then it’s my responsibility to pay for it. If I stole from you, I have to pay you back. That’s restitution.

In Psalm 51:4, David says to God, “You are justified in your words and blameless in your judgment.” He was prepared to accept the consequences of his actions, no matter what God decided.

Number 6 is Alter your behavior. Alter your behavior.

The biblical word for this is repentance. Ken Sande writes this: “There is a simple way to test the sincerity of a confession … whether yours or someone else’s. How detailed is your plan for repentance?”

How can a confession be sincere if there isn’t any plan for repentance?

Just to give a biblical example, the Corinthians church had made some major mistakes. And so, Paul wrote them a very stern letter correcting their problems. And then, Paul found out that they had changed. And here’s what He wrote back to them. This is from 2 Corinthians 7:9.

 I rejoice, not because you were grieved, but because you were grieved into repenting. For you felt a godly grief, so that you suffered no loss through us. Godly grief produces a repentance that leads to salvation without regret, whereas worldly grief produces death. For see what earnestness this godly grief has produced in you, but also what eagerness to clear yourselves, what indignation, what fear, what longing, what zeal, what punishment! At every point you have proved yourselves innocent in the matter.

They weren’t simply grieved externally. They didn’t just feel bad about what happened. They were consumed with clearing their name and making sure this never happened again. And they took whatever step was necessary. That’s repentance. And the Bible has many more examples.

Lastly, we have a final A, and that is Ask for forgiveness. Ask for forgiveness.

This is not the same thing as apologizing. In our world, an apology means you said “sorry.” But asking for forgiveness means you’re putting the ball in somebody else’s court. They have to act now. They need to make a decision. Confessing your sin before God isn’t just acknowledging you did something wrong; it is asking Him to forgive you. That’s a key, biblical component on confession.

And if you’re confessing your sin to someone else, Sande also adds an eighth A. and that is “Allow time.” Many times, especially when someone is deeply hurt, you need to give them to process what you’re asking. They need to get to a point where they can forgive you. Give them time.

So, that's Sande's list: Address everyone involved. Avoid if, but, and maybe. Admit specifically. Acknowledge the hurt. Accept the consequences. Alter your behavior. Ask for forgiveness. And, if you're confessing to another person, allow time.

These principle aren’t intended to be a checklist to run through. They’re intended to lead you to honor God from your heart and honor Him as you confess.

We’ll continue this teaching on how to respond to conflict once you’re in it. And then we’ll talk about what forgiveness really means.

But aren’t we blessed to know that we serve a God who forgives? Each and every time we come to Him sincerely, He picks us up from the filth, and cleans us up, and He receives us as His sons and daughters.

Let me just close with some verses out of Psalm 103, which should be familiar to a lot of you. Here’s what we know about our God, when we go to Him in confession.

He will not always chide, nor will he keep his anger forever. He does not deal with us according to our sins, nor repay us according to our iniquities. For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his steadfast love toward those who fear him; as far as the east is from the west, so far does he remove our transgressions from us. As a father shows compassion to his children, so the Lord shows compassion to those who fear him. For he knows our frame; he remembers that we are dust.

God looks at us, and He sees us having been cleansed by sacrifice of Christ. Our sins have been wiped away by the blood of Jesus. And our Father receives us and restores us.