A Theology of Romance

“Romance” is a tricky word to define, although we all generally understand it. It’s a little easier to define when we think of it as a genre of literature, but in everyday life, what are we talking about when we say “romance”?

In the most general sense, we’re talking about the positive and pleasurable feelings and emotions that are associated with mutual love and attraction. That’s the definition I’m choosing to use. Romance describes the positive and pleasurable feelings and emotions associated with mutual love and attraction.

Defining romance is tricky because the idea is so closely associated with emotions and feelings that trying to put it into a rigid, technical definition feels like it suffocates it. Romance isn’t best understood as a scientific discipline; it’s an experience.

In the Middle Ages, an English poet named Geoffrey Chaucer promoted the idea that February 14 was the beginning of the mating season for birds, and he helped popularize the idea that this day should be tied to the joy of romance.

Although romance is generally seen as a positive thing, we should recognize that the idea of it can lead to negative feelings like heartache, discontentment, hopelessness, frustration, or maybe even bitterness or cynicism.

Whatever our initial response might be to the idea of romance, just like with any other topic, we need let the word of God direct and guide us. What wisdom does the Bible have for us regarding this topic?

First of all, we should understand that romance is good, and it was created by God.

Romance is good, and it was created by God

Turn with me to Genesis chapter 2, the second chapter of the Bible. Genesis 2, verse 18. After God created the world, He placed the man in the garden, and then He said this. Genesis 2:18—Then the Lord God said, “It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him.”

Now, taken all by itself, this could mean that God was going to give Adam a coworker or a business associate. But God has something else in mind. He isn’t just thinking about work and productivity. God is going to meet an emotional need as well. And before He meets that need, He creates in Adam a longing for it.

God lines us the animals and brings them to the man. Verse 20 says—The man gave names to all livestock and to the birds of the heavens and to every beast of the field. But for Adam there was not found a helper fit for him.

Who was looking for the helper? It wasn’t the animals, and it wasn’t God. Adam noticed that every animal had other animals of the same kind, but there was no one like him. God is forming in Adam a question and a longing, and God is going to provide the solution.

Verse 21—So the Lord God caused a deep sleep to fall upon the man, and while he slept took one of his ribs and closed up its place with flesh. [22] And the rib that the Lord God had taken from the man he made into a woman and brought her to the man.

Adam wakes up in a world in which he believes he is all by himself, but now he has a scar, I assume, and now he’s got a friend. Adam’s response is not economical; it’s not about efficiency or production. Adam’s response is emotional. He responds with a poem.

Verse 23—Then the man said, “This at last is bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man.”

The Hebrew word for “man” is ish, and the word for woman is ishsha. The similarity in the words is an expression of their unity. They are made for one another.

There was a song in 2003 by The Postal Service called “Such Great Heights.” And in the opening lines a man says, “I am thinking it’s a sign that the freckles in our eyes are mirror images, and when we kiss they’re perfectly aligned. And I have to speculate that God Himself did make us into corresponding shapes like puzzle pieces from the clay.”

I don’t know anything about the artist but he’s touching on divine truths. God made man and woman for each other. Adam’s joy in the woman was God’s design. He wanted Adam to be delighted with her. This is the first romance of the Bible, and it is presented to us as something good. It was created and designed by God.

This delight, however, comes with a boundary; it comes within a sphere. Romance does not exist in a category all by itself. And so, we have a second lesson.

Number 2, romance belongs in the category of marriage.

Romance belongs in the category of marriage

Romance, we might say, is a subset of marriage.

God was very intentional. He didn’t make a bunch of men and women and say, “Enjoy each other.” He made one man and one woman. And the joy between the man and the woman was setting up God’s design for romance, and even for society.

When Adam says that Eve is bone of his bone and flesh of his flesh, that is covenantal language. Adam is pledging himself to the woman. He is committing himself to her.

We see the same language in Genesis 29 and in Judges 9 and a few places in 2 Samuel. To say someone is of your own bone and flesh is to say that they are part of your family. You are united to them.

The delight of romance is designed by God to be placed within the context of marriage. And that’s not speculation. That is what we are taught in the very next verse.

Verse 24—Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. [25] And the man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed.

There is no shame in Adam or in Eve, and there is no shame in Moses or in God as these things are recorded for us. This is God’s design.

Adam had no earthly father, and he had no mother, but God was using this first relationship to set up a pattern for mankind, a pattern for marriage. Marriage is the context in which God has designed romance to flourish.

This world has no problem holding up romance as a good thing, but it has completely stripped romance of the context in which God has placed it. Romance is now equated with singles and sex, instead of being placed within the private sphere and the solemn commitment of marriage. This has happened to the great pain of many people, and the consequences, both personal and societal, have been immense. This wasn’t God’s design. God designed romance to be good and to be set within the context of marriage.

Sadly, some Christians have pushed back on worldly romance so much that they have forgotten the goodness of true romance. And that lie does its own damage as well. We see frustrated children and singles, and we see boring, lazy marriages. That also is not God’s design.

Parents, you need to teach your children both the goodness and the limitations of the joy of romance. Teach them that it is good; it is God’s design. But also teach them the limitations of God’s design.

Why do we teach our kids not to write on the walls with crayons? Is it because crayons are bad and yucky and gross? No, we teach them the goodness and the fun of art, but we teach them that there’s an appropriate time and place and medium. Well, the time and the place and the sphere for God-honoring, joyful romance is marriage.

The initial sparks of romance, or the potential for romance, are intended to move you toward marriage, where romance can have its full expression. That’s God’s design. The covenant and unity of marriage was not designed by God to be boring.

Jump over with me to Genesis chapter 26. Abraham’s son Isaac is now married to an attractive woman named Rebekah. And because of a famine in the land, Isaac had to relocate to Philistine territory under the rule of a king named Abimelech. Because Rebekah was attractive, Isaac was scared to say she was his wife because he thought the men would kill him. So, he said she was his sister.

Look at Genesis 26, verse 8—When he had been there a long time, Abimelech king of the Philistines looked out of a window and saw Isaac laughing with Rebekah his wife. [9] So Abimelech called Isaac and said, “Behold, she is your wife. How then could you say, ‘She is my sister’?”

Some translations use a different word for whatever Isaac and Rebekah were doing, but that’s because they are trying to convey something marital. But the word means “to laugh.” The laugher isn’t the main point of the story, but it serves us as an example of God’s design.

Isaac thinks he’s alone with Rebekah, and Abimelech, to his surprise, looks out his window, and sees that they are exchanging looks and smiles and giggles which immediately let him know Isaac and Rebekah are not brother and sister.

This was a marriage giggle. This was an expression of romance, and it was clearly an indication that these people were married.

Sadly, when we see romance today, in the culture or in the media, people don’t rush to the assumption that these people are married. It would be great if we did. Romance is good, and part of the goodness of it is that it belongs in the context and the commitment of marriage.

In the book of Proverbs, the father repeatedly warns his son against the forbidden woman. This is the woman who would come to tempt him but is not his wife. That way leads to destruction. There will be financial, societal, and spiritual ruin.

And part of the prevention of that danger is to pursue romance and satisfaction within the covenant of marriage.

Proverbs 5:15 says—Drink water from your own cistern, flowing water from your own well.

This is not supposed to be something public or communal. Romance is to be set within the privacy and the beauty of marriage. The rest of that section says to find blessing and to rejoice in the wife of your youth. It commands the son to be “intoxicated” in her love rather than with a forbidden woman.

Drunkenness, or intoxication, a good analogy for falling in love. We’re not thinking straight. We’re being led by some other desire. Proverbs 5 tells us that within marriage, that desire is good. But outside of marriage, that desire is to be rejected.

God gave us a book in the Old Testament that upholds the beauty and joy of romance between a man and his wife. That book is called Song of Songs, or Song of Solomon. In that book, both the wife and the husband use metaphors related to nature and food and drink to talk about the joy they find in one another. It’s the joy of romance. It’s like the joy of walking into a bakery and smelling and tasting and drinking whatever it is they have to offer.

In chapter 4 of that book, the man extols his wife’s beauty. He says to her, “You are altogether beautiful, my love; there is no flaw in you… You have captivated my heart with one glance of your eyes… How beautiful is your love, my bride. How much better is your love than wine. He is enjoying everything about her—the way she looks, the way she smells, the way she looks at him.

But he also says this: “My bride is a locked garden, a locked spring, a fountain sealed.” He doesn’t mean that he can’t enjoy it; he means that it’s only for him. She is like his own private garden. It’s not for anyone else to enjoy.

The love song of Solomon holds up the beauty of romance, and it also reminds us of its power. Let’s add a third lesson today. Romance is powerful.

Romance is powerful

This is why Satan and the world have hijacked it, and this is why so much destruction has resulted.

Romance brings with it a power to unite, but it also has a power to destroy and to corrupt, if it’s taken outside of its divine context.

Three times in the book, the people outside the marriage are told this: Do not stir up or awaken love until it pleases. Do not stir up or awaken love until it pleases. In other words, be patient.

Romance has a time and a place. This is true for all of us, whether you’re married or not. There will always be people, periods, or seasons in which, or with whom, romance is inappropriate or dishonoring to God. We need to be careful about the way we cultivate romantic feelings or romantic desires. We need to be careful about turning romantic desires into idols in our hearts.

On a practical level, this means you guard yourself with what you’re watching or listening to. What kind of entertainment are you investing in? What is your heart being driven to value? Even if something is rated PG, be aware of how it might be affecting your heart and your expectations with regard to romance. If you struggle with fear or anxiety, it’s not going to be helpful to watching horror movies or with lots of suspense. And if you struggle with discontentment in the area of romance, it’s not going to help you to be watching movies filled with that kind of thing.

This gives us a certain amount of tension when it comes to romance. One the one hand, we want to recognize its goodness. We need to make sure we are jaded, or cynical, or discontent. We want to praise God for the gift of romance in marriage, even if we don’t experience it ourselves.

In many ways, romance is like many other common graces in life. If your doctor says you can’t eat cake anymore, that doesn’t mean you should walk around grumpy at everyone who eats cake, right? It might not be something you enjoy right now, but in the right context, others will enjoy it as a gift from God. Praise God for that. Romance is a good thing in the right context.

On the other hand, we also need to recognize the limitations of romance. It’s good but it has limits. We need to make sure we don’t make an idol out of romance or assign it a value that God has not assigned to it. Romance is not the determining factor for life, or for marriage, or for pleasing God.

This leads us to a fourth and final lesson about romance, which is so important to understand biblically. Number 4, romance is not the same as love.

Romance is not the same as love

All of us who are married know that romantic feelings are not always there, right? There are days, or even seasons, when you don’t get along. You don’t like each other. What do you do in those seasons? You love one another.

Romance is a feeling. Love can and should include feelings, but ultimately love is a decision. Love, as Paul Tripp put it, is “willing self-sacrifice for the redemptive good of another.” Love is willing self-sacrifice for the redemptive good of another.

There is only one person in the world I am allowed to express and cultivate romantic feelings for, and that is my wife. But I am called by God to love everyone. And that includes my wife.

Turn with me to Ephesians 5. This is a classic passage for husbands and wives, and I want us to see, particularly what God says to husbands. Ephesians 5, verse 25. Ephesians 5:25—Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, [26] that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, [27] so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. [28] In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. [29] For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, [30] because we are members of his body.

What’s the command there for husbands? Love your wives the way Christ loved the church. Sacrifice your personal desires so that she would be sanctified and holy. Why did Jesus do that? Because we are eternally members of His body. And marriage, the Apostle Paul says is a picture of Christ’s love for the church.

Verse 31—“Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” [32] This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church. [33] However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.

Romance is a beautiful, wonderful part of marriage. We all love it when there are good feelings, when there is mutual joy. But it’s not romance that defines a good marriage; it is self-sacrifice. It is the love of Christ. That’s the ultimate purpose of marriage. God designed marriage to be a picture showcasing the love of Christ in this world.

I think it was Pastor Jay Adams who told the story of a pastor counseling a married man who said, “Pastor, I just don’t love my wife anymore. What do I do?” And the pastor said, “Well, you don’t really have a choice; that’s the command. Husbands, love your wives.”

And the man said, “But it’s like she’s not even my wife anymore. We’re sharing a home, but we’re so distant from each other emotionally.” “Okay,” the pastor said, “then love your neighbor as yourself.”

But still the man protested. “But it’s worse than that. We just can’t seem to get along. We’re always arguing or fighting or stewing. It’s like a cold war in the house!” “I think I understand,” the pastor said. “I have the perfect verse for you. Jesus said, ‘Love your enemy.’”

Love your wife. Love your neighbor. And love your enemy. Either way, the command is the same. Love is what we’re commanded to do. And obviously, the way I love my wife is different than the way I love someone else, but I also need to remember that sometimes my love for my wife will not include romantic feelings or actions. In those seasons, I need to fight for joy, and I need to act in faith and in hope. But I need to love her. I need to lay down my pride and my selfishness, and like Christ did for me, serve her for the glory of God.

This recognition of the difference between love and romance also reminds me that God is not pleased with any kind of romance. My romance should always be motivated by love. Romance is not the ultimate goal. The goal is to glorify God by giving, by serving, by sacrificing. It’s not about me; it’s about God. It’s about love.

In Fist Peter 3, husbands are told to live with [their] wives in an understanding way. A more literal translation would be “live with your wives according to knowledge.” According to knowledge. It doesn’t specify what kind of knowledge Peter is talking about, but I think it includes both a doctrinal knowledge about equality and honor, but also a personal knowledge of your wife. As a husband, I need to know my wife if I want to love her well, spiritually and romantically.

The things some of you buy, or do for your wives, won’t have the same impact if I were to buy them or do them for my wife. And vice versa. Our wives are different. But men, we need to grow in our knowledge of them, and love them accordingly.

We also need to realize that this knowledge will change over time. Sanctification and romance will not look the same at every age and stage of the relationship. Some things that you enjoyed together when you were young might not have the same impact when you’re older. That’s just how life works. So we need to keep the lines of communication open.

In closing our time on this topic of romance, I just want to remind us that God is very much for marriage. Again, it’s His design. God wants to see our marriages thrive as an expression of His goodness and as a picture of His love. And for that same reason, Satan wants to see marriages suffer. Satan wants to see marriage fail to serve its true purpose.

So, whether we’re single or married, old or young, we need to celebrate God-honoring, healthy, happy marriages because of the way they give us glimpses into the love of our Savior.

And within each marriage, we also recognize that it’s not all about the husband and the wife. It’s about serving Christ’s purposes, which also include that love being extended to others, whether they are single or married, or come from a home where a healthy marriage wasn’t modeled.

Our communities are filled with people who have not experienced the grace and the goodness of God through a healthy marriage. What an opportunity we have to open our lives and our doors to bless people and to love them and to showcase the forgiveness and the mercy of a God who has mercifully forgiven us as well.

We live in an age that wrongfully idolizes romance and sexuality. It wants to maximize those kinds of feelings, but at the same time, it wants to minimize the glory and beauty of godly marriage. It’s not prized or valued or wanted by the culture. Young people pursue all kinds of things, but marriage isn’t near the top of the list.

We may not ever win over the culture, but we can work to minister to those around us. We can work personally to obey Ecclesiastes 9:9, which simply says: Enjoy life with the wife whom you love all the days of your…life. And we can work corporately to obey the command of Hebrews 13:4: Let marriage be held in honor among all.